Fuck

UPDATE

So. Since I posted my last entry my writing partner, and I have gotten in touch with a start-up production company, who are, so far, showing interest in working with us. Long story short, we gave them a copy of a short film I wrote, and am waiting to hear back on if they want to use it our not, and if not then I have this idea bobbling around in my head for a 5-10 minute short. Which I will only reveal to be based around events of the Salem Witch Trial, which is good for me, since if you've ever read anything by me, you know I mostly work in wise-cracking, gunslinging, skynyrd fans trying to be the heroes of organized crime haha. But ok so that's all.

Wish me luck!

So basically I've decided to update the world of livejournal as to what's up with you're old friend Brett.

Well numero uno, as it is most important to me, is that I wrote a short film, and started filming. I got through almost 80 % of m test shots, and realized so much more I want to expand on, and add. So right now I'm about halfway finished with the revised script, and plan on starting my initial final shooting next week, hopefully finishing up with that within the month. Then it's off to editing where I hope to have it up and viewable by mid October. SO WATCH OUT FOR THAT!

Also I've been doing a lot of research into the New York Film Academy up in Hollywood, and have decided that I am going there, no ifs and or buts. So what that means is I need to get a new job, apply for mass student loans, or try and find scholarships. But I am not going to give up until I am enrolled, and living up in Hollywood.

And other than that things are pretty much the same. Gettin high with the boys, partying here and there. Rock and rollin everywhere.

 

But all in all, things are looking great :]

I paint your face across these bottles tonight. With each sip a new fresh kiss.

Apathy is always easier.
Not always the right choice, or the right frame of mind to have.
But it tends to make things a lot easier on everyone.

Just some food for thought.

I want to start writing again in a big, big way.

I'm at wits end.
This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
I hate to be one of those people that just bitches about what a drag there job is.
But seriously, while I am thankful in this economy I even have a paycheck, but this job is killing me.
The work is easy, the hours are torture.
Working 8 hours is not the problem.
Putting out all of my energy isn't the problem.
It's the complete loss of life I feel.
Working 12 am to 830 am is the quickest way to lose all your friends.
Trust me. I know.
I'm thankful for the handful that still call me and at least see if I'm free, or make plans to hang out on my day off. It means a lot.
But there's also a handful of friends who I feel have written me off.
And that hurts. A lot.

The only thing that's going to bother me
Is that you'll all call yourself my friends

why can't you look me in the eye one last time

The writing's on the wall, you've read that I'll be gone
But if you call my name, just know that I'll come running
For one more night to spare with you
This is where I'm meant to be
Please don't leave me

Chasing Sucks.
So do rejected advances.
Over and Over.

Sigh.

If I said I didn't hope that it actually works this time I would be complete liar.
It's been over a year and I'm starting to realize that I'm still crazy about you.
I didn't expect much when you started texting me saying we need to hang out more,
I didn't expect much when you came to the apartment and partied with us a couple weeks ago,
I wasn't expecting much when you came to the apartment to party last night....

And then we kissed.

And now I'm expecting too much.

Come pick me up.

I'm feeling empty.
And desperate.
I'm feeling empty.
And broken.
I'm feeling empty.

People say these are the best days of our lives. That we are supposed to be out having the time of our lives, meeting new people, making decisions that will shape us to be who we are when we grow older. I have a hard time connecting those statements with my own personal life.
I feel like either ;
A) I'm just not opening my eyes
or
B) I'm just truly deeply unhappy.

There are so many reasons that I should be thankful that I have the life I have.
1. A loving family that adopted me and gave me a life I never would have had.
2. Friends that keep me laughing and smiling.
3. I have a job that I'm actually doing well at.
4. I'm not in jail. or dead.

I don't know it's just...at the end of the day I find myself a wreck. I can't explain why the things that go through my mind at night do.

I don't know if anyone can tell these things or if I am doing a good job of hiding them but I'm scared of the world.
I'm always worried that people don't like, or won't like me.
I'm always nervous to meet new people, or I'm sure that the ones I do meet think I'm a total dipshit.
I'm scared I'm never going to be anyone of value, and I don't mean like a rockstar or movie star, but I mean a genuine person who earns a steady living and can support his family.
I'm scared I'll never fall in love because in my mind, women find me un-attractive. Maybe it's in their minds too. But I'll never know because I'm too scared to even introduce myself...ya know unless I'm drunk.
I'm worried that my drinking will become a problem ...again.
I'm worried I'll never make my parents proud.

I'm a wreck, and I don't want to be this way anymore.

So we drink to drain our hearts...

I've been feeling empty lately.
And I really don't where I should be.
There's a void between me and real life.

And I can't stand, that we're all connected.
And I miss the days, when I only knew my friends...

Song completely explains me hahahahhahaha

I was a young boy that had big plans.
Now I'm just another shitty old man.
I don't have fun and I hate everything.
The world owes me, so fuck you.

Glory days don't mean shit to me.
I drank a six pack of apathy.
Life's a bitch and so am I.
The world owes me, so fuck you.

Wasted youth and a fistful of ideals.
I had a young and optimisitic point of view.
Wasted youth and a fistful of ideals.
I had a young and optimisitic point of view.

I've decomposed, yet my gut's getting fat.
Oh my god I'm turning out like my dad.
I'm always rude i've got a bad attitude.
The world owes me, so fuck you.

The wife's a nag and the kid's fucking up.
I don't have sex `cause i can't get it up.
I'm just a grouch sitting on the couch.
The world owes me, so fuck you.

Wasted youth and a fistful of ideals.
I had a young and optimisitic point of view.
Wasted youth and a fistful of ideals.
I had a young and optimisitic point of view.

I was a young boy that had big plans.
Now I'm just another shitty old man.
I don't have fun and I hate everything.
The world owes me, so fuck you.

Glory days don't mean shit to me.
I drank a six pack of apathy.
Life's a bitch and so am I.
The world owes me, so fuck you.
The world owes me, so fuck you.
The world owes me, so fuck you.

i feel like I'm losing all my friends.
The worst part is that Im pretty sure its over some stupid here-say bullshit.

FUCK IT!

I can't keep doing this to myself.
Fuck.

I'm going for a hike tomorrow.

I want to be more active.
Lose some weight.
Experience nature more.

top ten things I want to do in the next 5 years

10. Find a stable job
9. Party Hard
8. Get a Dodge Challenger
7. Move The Fuck Out
6. Get a stable band that at least jams a lot
5. Spend a few months back east
4. Road trip the hell out of the U.S.
3. Visit Ireland
2. Write a legit song
1. Fall head over heels in love

that's not asking too much is it haha

And I thank the Lord for the people I have found.

I have good people in my life.
I have good friends.
I have good times ahead.
I can see for miles.

I feel like I need something.
I have this incredible lack of feeling lately.
It's honestly starting to stress me out, well I'm sure it would be stressing me out if I wasn't this giant ball of apathy.
Medicate me.
Or something like that.

I hate the fresh prince.

that is all.

I'm writing off a lot of people.
I hate to say it, but everyone seems to be a flake lately.
By age 21 I want to be out of California. Plain and simple.